The following message is from Tessa, who is running as a representative in the upcoming elections.
By now, of course, everyone is aware of the upcoming elections. As a French Bulldog and a patriot, I have to say that I feel I am more than fully qualified to be your candidate of choice.
After all, I am a mother – not once, not twice, not even five times, but 21 times. Yes, you read that right — 21 proud, flag waving offspring, in three litters. And hey, if multiple motherhood isn’t a qualification for running a country, how about the fact that I raised each and every one of them to fear the very sound of my nails tip tapping across the floor? That’s right, my offspring know the meaning of the word respect. In this house, only the big bitch gets the comfy cushions.
And forget Pit Bulls and lipstick — try weilding iron clad authority while wearing a feather boa, sparkly coat, and a collar covered in daisies. If you can wear all of that, and still make full grown male dogs roll over on their back and pee submissively, you can surely handle congress.
Yes, I’ve heard the arguments that I am ‘too old’ to lead the country (I’m looking at you, Bunny). Don’t think of me as old, however, think of me as ‘seasoned’ and ‘experienced’. Plus, a leader who naps is a leader with less time to pull the country into unseemly international incidents, unless you count that Poodle fiasco, which I still hold was entirely their own fault, and anyways no one ever proved that the gum was mine.
I am proposing the founding of a new party, a party forged in the unerring conviction that French Bulldogs, and Bull breeds in general, are deserving of a position of political power. No more will we be trampled in group competitions by walking topiaries with cult like hair cuts. No more will we suffer the injustices of losing out to stoopid pointy nosed dogs that prance like show ponies. No more will our comrades in arms, the Pit Bulls, the Staffies and the Am Staffs be forced to wear degrading muzzles, while Stephen Harper gets to wear Dockers. We will form a party dedicated to the concepts of liberty, justice, and quick trip to Mr. Clipper for any dog with a perm.
I proposed we name this party the “Super Awesome Coolest Dogs without Stupid Haircuts” party, but was out voted by my campaign adviser, Delilah, and have settled on calling ourselves “The RepublicatidemogreenRhino Party”. It should look swell on a T shirt. Our motto? “Better a Pit Bull in Power than a Hockey Mom in a Perm”.
So, vote for me, Tessa, for Prime Minister. After all, how much worse a job can a dog do in Ottawa than the morons who’re there already?