Like everyone else on the world wide interwebs, I’ve received my fair share of ‘Millionaire wants to give you his money’ and ‘Say, can I send you a $20,000 check for that $2,000 puppy?’ emails. I just mark them as spam, and delete them, since there’s not much payoff in playing with them, and answering them usually just gets your name and email address put on to a ‘try this gullible knucklehead’ list.
That said, few things piss me off more than phantom puppy scammers – those evil jerks who invent cheap puppies that they ‘must sell’ due to death in the family, or their ‘missionary’ work in Africa. Yes, I know that they prey on the cheap – but they also prey on the naive, and those who truly do want to do some good.
So, with time on my hands and a chip on my shoulder, I was in just the right mood when the following email came to my inbox –
My name is mr James Blue i want to use this oppourtunity to inform you that i do have some bulldog 2 female and two male available for sale at the price of $400 and i want you to know that due to my new job i am very busy so i am looking for someone to buy them and who will take care of them as i always do,show them love and each of them cost $400 including shipping fee.They are AKC registered, Age 7-8 weeks old, they weighed 3-4lbs ,healthy and their shots are given up to date.All their papers will accompany them and will be shipped along with each of them. I am on a business trip right now because I just secured a new job here in ILLINOIS and i have to take the puppies along with me since my Wife died and i have moved out due to my new job and transfer to ILLINOIS and the puppies are here with me, so if you are still interested I can arrange for the shipping from here thought a shipping agent to Delivery to your nearest airport or home and they will be shipped along with all their
bath and toys,food sample,and dog kits. Also email me the follow details below for delivery purpose.
Your Day phone#:——————–
Await your response.
My first response –
WOW, this sounds super. Why not send me a photo of them? I’d really be interested. Are they black and tan ones? I love black and tan ones most of all, don’t you?
Gosh, so sorry about your wife. That’s terrible. Were they her dogs? How did she die? Do you live in Illinois? I love Illinois. I might move there, and then we can be friends! I will pray for you and for your dogs. Do you think we could be friends?
James apparently does want to be my friend. Yay for friends! And look, he sent me pictures.
Thanks for your interest in my puppies, i do have 2 female and 1 male French bulldog and i want to inform you that i have attach the pic of the available French bulldog for sale, due to my job i am very busy so i am looking for someone who will buy them and take care of them as i always do,show them love and each of them cost $400 including shipping fee.They are AKC registered, Age 7-8 weeks old, they weighed 1.5-1.8lbs, healthy and their shots are given up to date.All their papers will accompany them and will be shipped along with each of them. I am on a business trip right now because I just secured a new job here in Illinois and i have to take the puppies along with me since my Wife had died and i have moved out due to my new job and transfer to Illinois ,so if you are still interested I can arrange for the shipping from here via next day Delivery to your home and they will be shipped along with all their bath and a brand new crates, toys,food sample,and dog kits.
Also email me the follow details below for delivery purpose.
Your Day phone#:——————-
Await your response.
Here are the photos James attached to this email –
Do you get the impression James is not trying overly hard to fool me?
Either that, or he’s too stupid to realize that not even someone as dumb as I’m try ever so hard to seem could mistake that black masked fawn boy for a seven week old puppy.
And 1.8 pounds? At seven weeks? Jeez, if you’re trying to get a total stranger on the interwebs to send you some money, you’d think you could at least be bothered to do some basic research. If there’s anything I hate more than a scammer, it’s a lazy ass scammer.
At any rate, here’s my response –
Wow, those are really cute puppies. That Diamond sure is big for seven weeks! I guess the camera really does add a few pounds. About the other two – 1.8 pounds at seven weeks! How exciting! Are they those rare miniature French Bulldogs, the ones who stay tiny all the time? It would be super if they are! I would pay WAY more than $4oo for some super tiny ones.
But, I’m being rude here – how are you doing? It must be hard with your wife dead. I am praying for you and your cute dogs super hard. I want to be your friend. We could pray together! I lost my husband, too. He fell in our combine. I tried to pull him out, but the combine ate my arms. Sometimes I think baby Jesus has a hate on for me. But I keep praying!
I think you can be my new friend. I won’t ever let you near the combine, if you become my friend. Just in case.
Tell you what, I’ll come there and pick the dogs up. I think you said you’re in Illinois? I’ll be there next week! Is it OK if I bring you cash? Ever since I lost my arms in that combine accident it’s hard for me to fill out credit card forms. Or you could just bring them here and we could go to my bank together and get the money out. I trust you, because you are my friend. Maybe I should just send you my bank information.
Yours in the Lord!
Well, here’s where it gets interesting. James suddenly sends me another email, identical to his very first one. This time, he signs it ‘Eliot’.
I respond with –
Eliot! Why are you trying to sell James’s puppies? YOU MUST BE SOME SORT OF SCAMMER! James already said I can buy those puppies! I hate you and so does Baby Jesus you scammer! I am going to write to James and tell on you RIGHT NOW! I am not sending James any money until this is all straightened out!
Haha! Poor James. It’s hard juggling all those multiple email accounts and names, and making sure you don’t try to double scam the same sucker (that would be me).
Conciliatory, he responds almost immediately with –
Hello my friend,
So sorry for this mistake which I am vry saddned by and want to let you know not to fear this is my brother is also trying to help with the selling of the puppiues for me. He made a mistake and ia am just to tell you not to be sad dear. I am still your friend and want very much for you to buy these puppie from me. Which includes crate papers toys bath etc in exchange for you to love them just like I am. I can send the puppie to you for $400 eah from ILLUIONOIS as soon as sending Western Unoin payment.
Also please still email me the follow details below for delivery purpose.
Your Day phone#:——————-
Await your response, your friend James.
Awww! He called me dear!