Billie’s Diary – Entry One
Since it has been brought to my attention that almost all great Divas keep diaries, I thought I’d give this whole ‘blogging’ thing a try. It’s not easy typing with paws instead of hands, but it beats trying to hold a pen without a thumb.
I’ve been keeping myself busy lately by trying to advance my education. This week, I managed to combine physics and Physed – not bad for a puppy, if I do say so myself.
I have discovered, through much trial and error, that if I balance both of my front paws on the edge of the full water dish, I can eventually tip it over, and this in spite of the fact that the combined weight of the bowl and the water are about double my own svelte size. Aren’t levers wonderful? The resulting flood after the water tips out is great fun to splash in, and provides me with all sorts of cardiovascular exercise, especially since I like to perform my patented “bark splash bark bark bark” routine while I stomp in circles. It really gets the old blood rushing, I must say.
I’d hate to have you think that I do all of this selfishly – I actually do it as much for mommy’s sake as I do my own. She really seems to enjoy water aerobics – you should see her shriek with joy when I finally manage to tip the entire bowl over! Her pride in my accomplishments warms my heart. Afterwards, mommy also gets in some aerobic exercise, since she spends the next ten or so minutes racing in circles and gathering towels and mops. It’s nice to see the old girl get so worked up over some exercise. After aerobics, mommy then likes to practice deep breathing exercises and a form of zen meditation she calls “dontkillhershesjustababy”. It really seems to center her.
Later in the week, we engaged in another double lesson – art and economics. You’d hardly credit that those two subjects could be combined, but that’s only because you’ve never met me.
I’ve discovered a simply smashing game, whereby I strike an adorable pose, merely for the sake of art. One of my favorites is the ‘leaf grab play bow head tilt’ combination. It is quite striking, if the comments I hear from mommy are anything to go by, and I do like to give it all a little added something by blinking my eyes adorably. For fun, I sometimes let the leaf sort of flip up and smack me in the face. One learns to do these sorts of things to keep one’s audience enchanted – you don’t want their attention to wander on to Hanna, who likes to hover in the background of my performance pieces, grumbling comments about how “I’m as cute as that stupid Frenchie puppy AND I don’t pee behind the chair when no one is looking”. Doesn’t it sometimes seem that all the world is a critic?
I should point out here to any other puppies reading this that timing is everything in this sort of installation piece. Keep a close eye on your audience – when you see them heading for that black box thing that they refer to as a camera, you should hold hold hold your pose until just two seconds after they get the camera to their face, then race off in a mad blur. This is very important, and essential to the integrity of the piece, because it teaches your audience that art is fleeting.
It also teaches your mommy that if she would save up all the money she spends on coffee, she could afford to buy a camera with a faster shutterspeed. This is called ‘economics’, and the ensuing screaming and swearing gives mommy another round of cardiovascular exercise. I like to do my part to keep her healthy – it shows I care.
Later, I’ll tell you about my advancing studies in interior design and advanced mathematics. It’s all just so fascinating being me!
I am in love with you little Diva. Rarely have I seen such intelligence combined with total altruism. Billie, as you know you are just a huge star waiting to turn everyone into your very own fan. I am a fan