Thursday Thirteen – Top 13 Dumbest Dog Lies I've Heard

A recent thread on a pet forum inspired this entry, which is pretty much self explanatory. Feel free to add your own in comments.

1. “My Frenchies don’t shed”

Really? I wish I could say the same. I have a feral herd of dust bunnies the size of my head living under my couch, and they are breeding.

2. “French Bulldogs are sweet little pets that never fight”

I have a three inch scar at the webbing of my thumb and forefinger that resulted from breaking up a fight between two girls, neither of whom weighed more than 20 pouinds. It took fifteen stitches to close, and I lost my fingernail.

The dogs, on the other hand, were just fine.

3. “I show my dogs for the betterment of the breed”

When ‘bettering the breed’ includes clipping your dog’s palate, shaving his face, dyeing his nails, and gluing his ears, I have to wonder just what it is that’s being bettered. I like to win as much as the next person — well, unless the next person is a professional handler — but I don’t pretend that a ‘Ch’ in front of my dog’s name is an automatic ticket to genetic soundness and breed worthiness.

Dog shows are to animal husbandry what the Miss America pageant is to IQ testing.

4. “Every dog in the ring has a chance of going on to win Best in Show”

Sure they do – and little Susie from East Podunk has as good a chance of winning Miss America as that slick, polished, professionally prepped contestant with 200 local titles under her belt. Miracles might happen in movies, but in the real world? Not so much.

5. “Membership in the National Club is the best sign of ethics in a dog breeder”

Until National breed clubs start instituting mandatory health testing, rigorously enforced codes of ethics, and vigorous policing of their members, breed clubs will remain social clubs that exist to hold specialty shows. It’s like saying that membership in the Elks Club makes you automatically a better parent.

6. “I don’t need to health test my dog, because I’ve never had a problem”

We call this the ‘ostrich’ approach to dog breeding – if I pretend to never see it, it can’t possibly exist.

7. “There’s no such thing as a back that’s too short in a French Bulldog”

Sure there isn’t – and while we’re at it, let’s counter sink their noses into their skulls and put their tails up on top of their backs. Every single examination of basic physiology text book tells us how wrong this — do we really want to encourage it just because it’s cute?

8. “I offer a written health warranty”

Yes, technically you do – so long as the buyer returns the dog to you if anything ever goes wrong. I like how you stuck in a line about how ‘returned dogs will be euthanized’. What a convenient ‘get out of jail free’ card — you know no one will ever return a dog to you under those circumstances.

Best of all, since you live on the west coast, and the buyers on the east coast, you know they couldn’t ship the puppy back to you even if they wanted to, because no vet would sign a health certificate saying their dog is healthy enough to fly.

After all, most people don’t have access to the kind of ‘lenient’ vets you use to get your health certificates done.

9. “I breed dogs because it lets me show my love for Jesus. God bless!”

How nice for you – but do you really think Jesus wants you to keep 400 dogs in rabbit hutches in your back yard? I mean, isn’t this the same Jesus who said “Whatsoever you have done to these the least of My brethren, you have done unto Me”? I’m pretty sure Jesus would have a few choice words to say about your approach to animal husbandry – but hey! I’m sure he’ll get to tell you himself, eventually.

Also, could you please get rid of the blinky text and Midi hymns from your website? Bad graphic design makes the baby Jesus cry.

10. “Our pet store gets all its puppies from caring breeders”

Sure it does — and that ‘free’ bulldog really is in Cameroon with a missionary, and yours for $300 in shipping fees.

It’s hard to feel sorry for anyone who stills believes claims this blatantly stupid, but since they’re out there, let’s clarify – breeders who care are crazy people.

If we could, we’d do CIA background checks on potential puppy buyers before we let you take our babies home. I know breeders who do credit checks on potential buyers. I personally call veterinarians and check references and have a ten page lawyer checked contract that makes buying a house look like a walk in the park compared to getting a puppy from me.

Good breeders are the most paranoid people alive – do you really think we’d turn our puppies over, in bulk, to pet stores where they can be fondled by germ carrying strangers and sold to anyone with an Amex card?

11. “We import puppies from Russia because the dogs there are healthier”

You import puppies from Russia because you can buy them for $500, and re-sell them for $2500. The fact that the puppies will be traumatized, under aged, parasite infested and sickly are all just bonus points.

12. ” You don’t need to come and pick your puppy up – we’ll ship it at 8 weeks. Puppies don’t mind being shipped”

Well, sure! Eight week old puppies, which are emotionally the equivalent of two year old children, enjoy being stuck in a crate, placed in a cargo building, and then loaded into the belly of an airplane. The six hour flight, complete with plane transfer, doesn’t bother them in the least, even though new airline regulations mean you can’t ship them with water, food or blankets.

Hey, let’s ship the kids to Grandma’s house by cargo next Christmas!

13. “We don’t need to give our puppies shots, because naturally reared animals don’t get rabies or parvo”

The last time I checked, raccoons don’t eat take out food – and yet they still somehow manage to get rabies. And yes, canine rabies still exists, and is still killing dogs (and possibly people). Commercial dog food has been around since the 1940s, but distemper was the number one killer of puppies – puppies raised on table scraps and human grade food – at the turn of the century, with parvo a close second. I know a lot of ‘naturally reared’ puppies, that have broken out with parvo in their new homes, or have been crammed with worms.

Here’s a hint – all medicine isn’t bad medicine. Stop acting like raw meaty bones can cure anything – you’re making the rest of us who feed raw look like crazy people.

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