Thursday Thirteen – Top 13 Dumbest Dog Lies I've Heard
A recent thread on a pet forum inspired this entry, which is pretty much self explanatory. Feel free to add your own in comments.
1. “My Frenchies don’t shed”
Really? I wish I could say the same. I have a feral herd of dust bunnies the size of my head living under my couch, and they are breeding.
2. “French Bulldogs are sweet little pets that never fight”
I have a three inch scar at the webbing of my thumb and forefinger that resulted from breaking up a fight between two girls, neither of whom weighed more than 20 pouinds. It took fifteen stitches to close, and I lost my fingernail.
The dogs, on the other hand, were just fine.
3. “I show my dogs for the betterment of the breed”
When ‘bettering the breed’ includes clipping your dog’s palate, shaving his face, dyeing his nails, and gluing his ears, I have to wonder just what it is that’s being bettered. I like to win as much as the next person — well, unless the next person is a professional handler — but I don’t pretend that a ‘Ch’ in front of my dog’s name is an automatic ticket to genetic soundness and breed worthiness.
Dog shows are to animal husbandry what the Miss America pageant is to IQ testing.
4. “Every dog in the ring has a chance of going on to win Best in Show”
Sure they do – and little Susie from East Podunk has as good a chance of winning Miss America as that slick, polished, professionally prepped contestant with 200 local titles under her belt. Miracles might happen in movies, but in the real world? Not so much.
5. “Membership in the National Club is the best sign of ethics in a dog breeder”
Until National breed clubs start instituting mandatory health testing, rigorously enforced codes of ethics, and vigorous policing of their members, breed clubs will remain social clubs that exist to hold specialty shows. It’s like saying that membership in the Elks Club makes you automatically a better parent.
6. “I don’t need to health test my dog, because I’ve never had a problem”
We call this the ‘ostrich’ approach to dog breeding – if I pretend to never see it, it can’t possibly exist.
7. “There’s no such thing as a back that’s too short in a French Bulldog”
Sure there isn’t – and while we’re at it, let’s counter sink their noses into their skulls and put their tails up on top of their backs. Every single examination of basic physiology text book tells us how wrong this — do we really want to encourage it just because it’s cute?
8. “I offer a written health warranty”
Yes, technically you do – so long as the buyer returns the dog to you if anything ever goes wrong. I like how you stuck in a line about how ‘returned dogs will be euthanized’. What a convenient ‘get out of jail free’ card — you know no one will ever return a dog to you under those circumstances.
Best of all, since you live on the west coast, and the buyers on the east coast, you know they couldn’t ship the puppy back to you even if they wanted to, because no vet would sign a health certificate saying their dog is healthy enough to fly.
After all, most people don’t have access to the kind of ‘lenient’ vets you use to get your health certificates done.
9. “I breed dogs because it lets me show my love for Jesus. God bless!”
How nice for you – but do you really think Jesus wants you to keep 400 dogs in rabbit hutches in your back yard? I mean, isn’t this the same Jesus who said “Whatsoever you have done to these the least of My brethren, you have done unto Me”? I’m pretty sure Jesus would have a few choice words to say about your approach to animal husbandry – but hey! I’m sure he’ll get to tell you himself, eventually.
Also, could you please get rid of the blinky text and Midi hymns from your website? Bad graphic design makes the baby Jesus cry.
10. “Our pet store gets all its puppies from caring breeders”
Sure it does — and that ‘free’ bulldog really is in Cameroon with a missionary, and yours for $300 in shipping fees.
It’s hard to feel sorry for anyone who stills believes claims this blatantly stupid, but since they’re out there, let’s clarify – breeders who care are crazy people.
If we could, we’d do CIA background checks on potential puppy buyers before we let you take our babies home. I know breeders who do credit checks on potential buyers. I personally call veterinarians and check references and have a ten page lawyer checked contract that makes buying a house look like a walk in the park compared to getting a puppy from me.
Good breeders are the most paranoid people alive – do you really think we’d turn our puppies over, in bulk, to pet stores where they can be fondled by germ carrying strangers and sold to anyone with an Amex card?
11. “We import puppies from Russia because the dogs there are healthier”
You import puppies from Russia because you can buy them for $500, and re-sell them for $2500. The fact that the puppies will be traumatized, under aged, parasite infested and sickly are all just bonus points.
12. ” You don’t need to come and pick your puppy up – we’ll ship it at 8 weeks. Puppies don’t mind being shipped”
Well, sure! Eight week old puppies, which are emotionally the equivalent of two year old children, enjoy being stuck in a crate, placed in a cargo building, and then loaded into the belly of an airplane. The six hour flight, complete with plane transfer, doesn’t bother them in the least, even though new airline regulations mean you can’t ship them with water, food or blankets.
Hey, let’s ship the kids to Grandma’s house by cargo next Christmas!
13. “We don’t need to give our puppies shots, because naturally reared animals don’t get rabies or parvo”
The last time I checked, raccoons don’t eat take out food – and yet they still somehow manage to get rabies. And yes, canine rabies still exists, and is still killing dogs (and possibly people). Commercial dog food has been around since the 1940s, but distemper was the number one killer of puppies – puppies raised on table scraps and human grade food – at the turn of the century, with parvo a close second. I know a lot of ‘naturally reared’ puppies, that have broken out with parvo in their new homes, or have been crammed with worms.
Here’s a hint – all medicine isn’t bad medicine. Stop acting like raw meaty bones can cure anything – you’re making the rest of us who feed raw look like crazy people.
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Hey, don’t hold back; tell us what you *really* think lol
Seriously, I don’t know much about that breed, but so much of what you’ve written is true about most dog breeds/breeders. 🙂
PS I’ve got another TT here too.
Deanna Dahlsad’s last blog post..By: Deanna Dahlsad
“Bad graphic design makes the baby Jesus cry.”
Oh dear gawd… now I have to clean the coffee off my monitor… can we get that on a T-Shirt?
This is a GREAT post. There is a “pet shop” around here that has puppies on their website.. I played dumb and asked where they came from.. the answer was “responsible breeders” and all puppies have their papers… (big F’ing deal). They offered to bring the puppies to my home so I could meet them…
They suddenly stopped emailing back when I asked if I could inspect their kennels.
Fuzzy Logic’s last blog post..Poopsicles
You think that was too much? Lol…
Yes, I know it applies to the seamier side of any breed… unfortunately, the scumbags are the ones painting all of us with the same brush.
We sink or swim based on the actions of the worst of us, not the best. Sucks, but there it is.
I’m banned from the local pet stores — banned on paper, actually. As in restraining order banned. Haha! I should have it framed…
“Dog shows are to animal husbandry what the Miss America pageant is to IQ testing.”
ROFLMAO
I am with Fuzzy too. Love the baby Jesus line. 🙂
Perfect post all around.
Marie’s last blog post..Training the deaf dog
Great post! I’ll give another thumbs up to the ‘Dog shows are to animal husbandry what the Miss America Pageant is to IQ testing,’ even though I’m still pulling on my hose once in a while to chase down that last darn point! And # 6 is great too! The mentality in Cardigans is, ‘No problem with hip dysplasia here, ’cause I don’t see any limping dogs.’
Cardimom’s last blog post..A Little Eccentric. . .
I choked on “Dog shows are to animal husbandry what the Miss America pageant is to IQ testing.” When I borrow this line, and I know doubt will, I will credit you.
I’ve heard all of these except Breeding for Jesus. Are we to assume that all profits go to the church?
jan’s last blog post..Eli Manning will host Guiding Eyes for the Blind Golf Tournament
NO doubt will
Damnit. I need a proofreader.
jan’s last blog post..Eli Manning will host Guiding Eyes for the Blind Golf Tournament
Yep, I think you’ve covered this very nicely. There are a bunch of crackpots out there. Great job. Have a steller TT. 🙂
Comedy Plus’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen – 131st Edition
I’ve heard all of these except Breeding for Jesus. Are we to assume that all profits go to the church?
Oh, you haven’t been cruising the puppy mill websites if you haven’t seen this one.
It’s a direct proportion ratio — the more outrageously mill-like the site is (dogs with first names only, photographed in dirt pens… no name breed registries…prices that vary according to color… paypal welcome…’we ship anywhere!’ quotes), the more comments about “Breeding to glorify God’ and ‘Jesus Loves You!’ there are stuck on the site.
The clincher is the amount of blinky text, animated graphics and religious Midis.. if you’ve got those too, you’ve got the penultimate puppy mill site.
They’re also the first ones to threaten violence when questioned — usually in badly written, typo riddled, ALL CAPS rants posted to message boards or sent via email. I’ve had three of them already since I posted this — woohoo!
Some of those statements are beyond belief…. except I’m sure that they are all genuine. Thanks for alerting us.
Nicholas’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #44
wow, that was very informative! Thank you! I want a frenchie so bad it hurts lol.. my husband says they get too big and I should buy a pug, but to me frenchies just look like little angels.. they all seem to have that angelic quality in their faces. thanks for stopping by 🙂 how bad can it be when you have a frenchie in your banner lol don’t worry i won’t be going on those meds, I just make fun lists of whatever comes to mind lol i’m trying to blog roll you but can’t sign on, will be back later 🙂
badpuppydog’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #6 – Thirteen Reasons to go on Anxiety Meds
My sister has 3 pugs and I have one frenchie whom I adore. She loves her dogs too, and from what I hear they are just as adorable, but her 2 males are just as big as my frencie.
9a [patriotic variant]:
“I breed dogs because it lets me show my love for our great nation! God bless America, and God bless our brave troops! Always a discount for veterans, police and firefighters! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.”
Seriously, he has the Pledge of Allegiance on his web site. He has his very own registry, too. Here’s why:
“The American Border Collie Association has expelled Richard Swafford of Portland, Tennessee (Swafford’s Border Collies, All Around Border Collies).
Richard Swafford has been expelled from ABCA membership for submitting false registration documents to the ABCA and for executing and delivering false registration applications to buyers of his dogs. It was determined through an ABCA investigation that Richard Swafford’s breeding practices and kennel conditions were not conducive to accurate registration” etc.
A model patriot, this one. He also has unsold… oops, “rescue” dogs available.
Must go wash off with bleach now.
[GREAT thread!]
Frogdogz wrote:
“The clincher is the amount of blinky text, animated graphics and religious Midis…”
Top this! That’s American ingenuity, baby. [makes cross-eyes]
http://www.americanbeautybordercollies.com/
By an odd coincidence, this person has also been expelled from the ABCA.
[Oh, crumb, my first comment didn’t go through. Here it is.]
9a [patriotic variant]:
“I breed dogs because it lets me show my love for our great nation! God bless America, and God bless our brave troops! Always a discount for veterans, police and firefighters! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.”
Seriously — he has the Pledge of Allegiance on his web site:
http://www.allaroundbordercollies.com/
He also has his very own registry, because the ABCA expelled him:
“Richard Swafford has been expelled from ABCA membership for submitting false registration documents to the ABCA and for executing and delivering false registration applications to buyers of his dogs. It was determined through an ABCA investigation that Richard Swafford’s breeding practices and kennel conditions were not conducive to accurate registration.”
[See http://www.abcbordercollies.com/ ]
A model patriot, this one. Swafford also runs a [long pause] “rescue.”
Must go wash off with bleach now.
[GREAT thread!]
my gawd.. … I never should have gone there.. my eyes are bleeding.
Fuzzy Logic’s last blog post..Drives and what they Mean
“I breed dogs because it lets me show my love for our great nation! God bless America, and God bless our brave troops! Always a discount for veterans, police and firefighters! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.”
Oh MY GAWD — it’s the penultimate puppy mill site! It wins, on every level.
Blinkies, eye bleeding backgrounds, bad music, animated graphics as far as the eye can see, Jesus -AND- love for country… it’s got EVERYTHING!
It’s so bad, it’s… well, it’s just more better bad, but you get the idea.